I’m just going to in the simplest and quickest way possible tell you about what happened tonight. I normally wouldn’t waste the brain power needed to sit and write a full blog on one story, but this worth telling. I need to clear up the origin of my two-year-old’s black eye.

It’s a doozy.

It’s been a long day, but some how I made it through and even managed to score a NAP out of it. A NAP! My child has lately been refusing to nap now that he has acquired this new freedom with his bed. He reserves sleep for when he absolutely can’t escape it, or just when he is dead. But after an exhausting day of cleaning, my child and curled up on the living room furniture and napped past dinner. It was beautiful.

The day in general went pretty well which was unexpected since I was awoken at 7 am by my child and was feeling awful from a combination of this cold-from-hell and a week of rude early-morning awakenings. I got to the point when I was just about to completely lose it when I decided I wasn’t going to do this to myself  today. I was going to take 5, clean myself up, and make something of the day. I was ready for whatever life and my adorable little demon spawn were preparing to hurl my way. I wish I could have said the same for my son.

After I had prepared dinner I decided it was time for a post-nap diaper change for Deven. Our Dog, whom I have yet to introduce to my readers, was acting very excited and antsy, which was typical since it was dinner for him as well. I changed Deven’s very wet diaper and headed into the kitchen to throw it away when I hear a strange whizzing sound and giggling coming from the farthest corner of the living room. I turned around to find the dog peeing on the carpet.

My initial reaction was to scream at the dog, but when that surprisingly had no effect, I panic, and hurl the heavy wet diaper in the direction of the dog. Only, the child was standing kind of close to the dog. And I am not known as an excellent marksman.

The diaper hit Deven square in the face. In his eye. Really hard. He started crying and I am so overcome with guilt. My son has his first black eye at 2 years old because of me. Because my panicked reaction to a dog peeing on the carpet is to hurl a wet diaper.

What are people gonna say? “Oh my, how did your boy get that black eye?” The only way around this it to bite the bullet and tell the truth. And hopefully neither CPS or Animal Control wont show up on my door step. Maybe I just leave it at “I’m a bad shot.”

This is so one for the baby book.

Last night was horrible. Horrible. It’s been an adjustment ever since we added the fourth installment to our family and our bed, one that feels the need to scratch himself, shake himself off, and lick his crotch in the middle of the night, and follow us to the bathroom every time we get up to pee, but that adjustment has been easy in comparison to the other events that have transpired over the last week.

Which reminds me, did I ever mention we got a dog? We did.

Anyway, last week Deven’s crib broke. Something happened and a bolt was ripped from a wood panel and the bed spring was bent, and that was $360 we are not going to be able to reuse. I thought we would use the portable crib until we could get another crib, but that would mean dropping another $300-400 we don’t have into something we may not be using for a very long time anyway. Seriously, you blow that much money on something you’re going to be using for at least a couple of years when you’re within our income bracket. So I remembered that someone donated a bed to the Deven cause and that it was sitting in our garage, ready to go, no assembly required, just needed to be carried up the stairs.It was worth a try, right?

Neither of us thought it would work. This is a kid that won’t sit in one spot for more than a nano-second, that wouldn’t listen to his parents if his life depended on it, how were we going to get him to stay in a bed? This bed that he can get in and out of, this bed that is in a room full of toys and books neatly placed on shelves, toys and books that have yet to be ripped into shreds. We were counting on the four of us to be in our bed tonight.

That day because there was no crib, there was no nap, and no mercy for mama during the evening before dinner time. We got him into his bath, and I laid him in the bed tucked him under his blanket, read him a few stories, said goodnight, turned off the lights and left the room. The exact same routine we go through when he sleeps in a crib. I was expecting to be chasing him all over the house before just giving up and going to bed with him in our room, but after I left the room I didn’t hear a peep from him. He didn’t even get up to check out the free space in the room, he just went right to sleep.

My son sleeps in a big boy bed now. I can’t even say my baby sleeps in a bed now, because just the fact that he sleeps in a bed makes him a big boy. I no longer have a baby in my house. I have a big boy. But I have a dog now, so it’s okay.

It hasn’t been that easy every night. The last two nights he’s figured the run-out-of-the-room game, and we’ve figured out after 2 or 3 rounds, putting him into bed and then holding the door shut is pretty effective. It sounds cruel, but he gets the message.

The worst part of this, however, is  that he now just gets right up and leaves the room when he wakes up. When he would sleep in his crib he would wake up and talk to himself and fall back asleep a couple of times leaving me to sleep in until 10 am sometimes. Those days are gone and done with. I have to adjust my own sleep schedule now because he is up and ready to go before daddy leaves for work.

Last night Deven went to bed with a runny nose which I thought was just allergies, but I realized he was actually sick when he woke up at like 3 am screaming and crying and choking, something he never does unless he is sick. And can’t breath. So I had to go in there and lay with him until he went back to sleep. I laid in there for probably close to 2 hours with him. He would fall asleep and I would attempt to get up and he would wake up, so I had to wait until he was asleep enough to not be disturbed by the massive shift in weight when I tumbled my ass out of his teeny bed. He still woke up at 8:30, and that means I didn’t even get enough sleep to safely descend the stairs, let alone go about my day.

Deven is growing up so fast. I just described one huge milestone, I didn’t even get into all the talking and understanding and remembering he has been doing lately. That’s mostly because I can’t even remember all of the new things he is learning every day. Seriously, it’s incredible.

Coming soon: potty training.

It makes me laugh and cry a little on the inside that there are people in the world, who, in the face of tragic events in other parts of the world, feel like it’s time to stop going about our daily jobs, and time to start CRYING AND SUFFERING. OH DEAR GOD, SOMETHING HORRIBLE HAPPENED AND A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE ARE SUFFERING AND I HAVE ALL THIS MONEY AND I HATE MYSELF FOR HAVING IT AND FOR BEING SUCCESSFUL WHEN THERE ARE ALL OF THESE OTHER PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO DONT HAVE IT AND OOOOHHHH GOD. You get the idea, right? I want to overnight those people some tourniquets and coagulants to stop the bleeding in their ever-loving  hearts.

Yes, I know the people of Haiti have pretty much lost everything including the hope of ever recovering from this.  No one on this Earth deserves a fate like this, even Pat Robertson. Horrible things happen in the world every day. The scale of horror goes from only affecting a single individual to a nation of people. The fucked up thing is that often there is no explanation; no reason that we can at all comprehend why people go hungry, die of disease, or why earth quakes and tidal waves hit nations of people who don’t do anything wrong, they just live their lives. The pain these people go through is beyond comprehension for those of us who have been lucky enough to never have to go through it.

Terrible things happen in the world, but I don’t think any justification in feeling the need to drop everything so you can suffer unnecessarily too.  You do have what many of those people don’t. I don’t believe you have to feel bad for it. You have your health, your money, your security, your house, your food and you are damn lucky to have it. You shouldn’t take any of it granted. And be thankful you don’t live on a fault line that is capable of causing that level of destruction.

To me, the only way to face situations like this is to do what you can that will make a difference. If you have some extra money lying around and are on a position in which you can let it go, give it to a reputable source to help with the recovery effort. If you have some extra prayers or positive energy lying around, give that too. There is no good reason to stop living your own life or blogging about your hair.

And pray to God above or your local congressman that the government won’t send them any aid. Leave it to the pros.

Here is some lyrics that help sum up how I feel about bad things that happen in the world.

The Larger Bowl (A Pantuom) (By Rush. Lyrics by Neil Peart)

if we’re so much the same like I always hear
why such different fortunes and fates?
some of us live in a cloud of fear
some live behind iron gates

why such different fortunes and fates?
some are blessed and some are cursed
some live behind iron gates
while others only see the worst

some are blessed and some are cursed
the golden one or scarred from birth
while others only see the worst
such a lot of pain on the earth

the golden one or scarred from birth
somethings can never be changed
such a lot of pain on this earth
It’s somehow so badly arranged

somethings can never be changed
some reasons will never come clear
it’s somehow so badly arranged
if we’re so much the same like I always hear

On a similar note, when I heard Alyssa Milano donated $50,000 to the Red Cross and dared corporations to “match it” I swear to god the only thing I could think was “Oh yeah, Gisele Bundchen donated $1.5 Million, Why don’t you shut your mouth or match THAT!” Let’s get real, Alyssa Milano’s bank account weeps at the idea of even having $1.5 million in it  to throw around.

I know everyone is probably completely over the turn of the new year. By New Years day people are usually at home nursing their hangovers or assessing the fire damage and loss caused by the previous night’s attempt at fire works, or looking for their long-gone pants and dignity, whatever they are doing they are not really interested in hearing another recap of of the previous year. It’s over, put a fork in it, it’s done.

Well, I am just not quick enough. Really, I intended to put my year-end blog post early yesterday, but I just was not sure how I was going to go about it. I didn’t want to write an essay detailing all of the events of the previous year and ending with my hopes for the coming year, because there would be almost nothing about that post that would set it apart from any of my other posts. I also didn’t want to do a top-ten list of events of this year since I hate top ten lists, so I stole this idea from sundry, who is one of the funniest bloggers in the history of bloggery, and decided to fill out a new year survey! LETS GO!

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?

I started college: attended classes, took exams, put a project together, and acquired a GPA of 3.77.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn’t have a resolution last year. It’s often like setting yourself up for disappointment, which call me crazy, I am not all that into. But for 2010, my resolution will be simple and vague: keep going. Keep on with school, keep saving money, keep Deven, just don’t stop. I’m having such a blast at this point, I don’t think there is anything that could cause me to want to stop.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Jackie had beautiful baby Gwenyth at the end of June! Jessica and Braxton had Alexis on 9-9. Good year for babies for everyone else.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No, thank god.

5. What countries did you visit?

None. I didn’t even venture beyond the usual parts of Texas.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

Friends. I go to a college full of other people and I have yet to befriend any of them. I’m going to try to open myself up to people more.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Ugggghhhh…November 7 is unavoidable. But June 1 was the day I started college. December 4 was the day I saw KISS for the first time. September 16 was the day my baby boy turned 2. That day is always memorable.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Teaching Deven to talk to me with his hands, oh yeah, and starting school and ending the year with a GPA of 3.77.

9. What was your biggest failure?

For the first time I can say I didn’t do a whole lot of failing this year. But there were days when I felt like I could have been a better wife and a nicer person to Vance. I always feel like I could have been a better mom to Deven.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I only had 3 or 4 colds by the end of the year, but dealt with my stomach issues and ailments pretty much daily.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

The Sims 3. I cannot lie.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

DEVEN! He started talking finally!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Pretty much all of America for fooling themselves into buying us another 4-8 years of the same old shit in a different color. Thanks, assholes.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Food and rent. Anything extra I’m sure went to crap. But we got some fun out of it, I’m sure.

15. What did you get really excited about?

SCHOOL. This subject pretty much dominated my year.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

Poker Face by Lady Gaga. It’s god awful, but why not?

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

– happier or sadder? Much happier.
– thinner or fatter? I’m actually sure I’m the same. My weight has not fluctuated beyond 99-104 lbs.
– richer or poorer? Financially poorer, richer in love.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Exercised, took Deven for more walks. We probably would have had more fun. I wish I could have reached out to my friends more, hung out with them. Stupid agoraphobia.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Yelled, watched TV, moped. The usual.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With Vance’s parents in the sticks. We didn’t leave their house after Christmas morning until it was time to go home, and then we left Deven there for the week. It was wonderful.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?

With Craisins and True Blood. And maybe Alexander Skarsgard. Still working that one out.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

True Blood, True Blood, True Blood.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No…

24. What was the best book you read?

I didn’t read as much as I would have liked to have. I did read Meltdown by Tom Woods and it was pretty damn good. I recommend it to Libertarian-leaning-intellectual-Austrian-economics- loving nerds.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Celtic Rock: Enter the Haggis, The Young Dubliners, Tartanic. Awesome.

26. What did you want and get?

To succeed in school, to acquire greater knowledge and a bigger brain, to actually become good at math, and a talking child. I didn’t even have to get pregnant again to get that one.

27. What did you want and not get?

More money. Boooooo. And a vacation out of Texas. That last one didn’t happen because we ran out of the first one.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

It’s a tie between Star Trek and District 9.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 24 and it was a bit of a disappointment. I went to the mall and became sick on an epic level. Ended up having to cancel my evening plans. People were nice to me though.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

More financial security, more friends.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

Jeans and TShirts. I’m done trying to evolve beyond that, it’s just how I am.

32. What kept you sane?
Deven, talking to my friend Jackie, and school.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Alexander Skarsgard. Do I even have to elaborate?

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Politics in general pissed me off. On any issue I’m the odd one out talking about free market and smaller government and Austrian Economic theory and a repeat of the last 8 hellish years, and everyone else is all, “I don’t even know what in the hell you’re talking about and I think you’re a racist” And I seriously contemplate chopping off each and every one of my limbs and stuffing them down a garbage disposal because that would seriously be less painful then talking to those ignorant oafs that I seem to encounter everywhere I go.

Do I even want to make more friends?

35. Who did you miss?

My mom, Annie, Chance, Captain Morgan.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Tom Woods. I didn’t make any new friends, so it has to be an author/economist/historian that doesn’t remember me in the slightest. That’s okay, though, I got proof.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

I don’t know of any anecdotal lessons I may have learned. Being a nice person is good. Thinking for yourself is indeed better than believing everything you are told. Being self-sufficient is good, but it’s okay to ask for help on occasion.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

This is from the song Anthem, by Rush. Long live Geddy.

“Know your place in life is where you want to be
Don’t let them tell you that you owe it all to me
Keep on looking forward, no use in looking ’round
Hold your head above the ground and they won’t bring you
Down”

Happy New Year everyone!

So today is the 6 year anniversary of my mother’s death.

She died shortly after midnight of a pulmonary embolism after having surgery. I was living with my friend and a couple of days before the surgery I remember my mom calling me and telling me about the surgery. She was “excited” to have this last surgery because she believed she would finally get better and we could be a family again. I was terrified for her. I had visited her for the last time that Monday, but after that Thursday I didn’t call her. I didn’t call to check on her, or to say hi, or anything.

Last night I had a dream about her. I remember the day before thinking about the date, but it wasn’t heavily on my mind.  In the dream she was happy, and had lost weight and was living by herself. She had bought a ton of christmas presents for Deven. She was light years away from where she had been the years leading up to her death. She was always how I had hoped she would be when she was alive. The first couple of years after my mom died I had dreams about her several times a week. I think it’s a part of the grieving process to dream about the lost loved one. At first it made me feel better to believe it was her visiting me, making sure I was okay. I wish I could still believe that. Now I just think it was very heavy on the deepest part of my mind. Not believing in an afterlife sure is a bummer sometimes.

Sometimes when it comes to these dreams, the hardest part is waking up from them. This morning I didn’t wake up sad, per say, as much as surprised. In the past these dreams would ruin my entire day. During the dream I would be unbelievably happy and relieved that I was with my mom again and everything was okay, and then would be forced to wake up and realize that none of that is real and could never be real again. I had to live with the grief, sadness, and emptiness I aquired when my mom died. I had to hope that it would get better over time. Some times I would be so affected by these dreams I would force myself to believe that there had to be something beyond this life, because it was just too intensely painful to believe that I would never in any lifetime see my mother again.

Sometimes I imagine where she would be in my life now. I tell Vance that she would hate him because he took her only daughter away and that there was no guy in existence good enough for me. I would have insisted that we lived close to her so she could see Deven every day, and she and I would be arguing constantly over how I raised him. We would be perpetually mad at each other, just like we were when she was here, but at least she’d be alive. It is so unfair that Deven will never get to know his grandmother, and it kills me that she never got to meet him. She’d be in love with him the same way I am. She would be so happy again.

One of the hardest parts of my mother’s death was losing her 17 days before Christmas. She loved Christmas, it was her favorite time of year. I remember it was a good year when she was excited to decorate the tree. Every year we would buy new ornaments and decorations, and every year she would insist that every single ornament went on the tree. Some years I would be surprised the tree didn’t fall over or collapse on itself from the massive amounts of gaudy clutter that over took the fake plastic tree. She would go into debt to make sure we were happy. The entire living room would be filled with gifts. I don’t plan on recreating any of this for my family; I’m talking minimal decorations and huge birthdays as opposed to christmases, but these memories represent the joy I had with my mom. I have to try to focus on these things as opposed to dwelling on the sadness. When we put up the tree this year, I thought a lot about my mom and how she went about decorating. I envisioned sitting on our little couch cradling, kissing, and tickling Deven. I have no idea what I would get her this year, and I would probably insist that she not get me anything.

This time of year is the often the hardest, and most cathartic, but brings back the best memories of the time I spent with her. I cannot let myself forget them, I cannot forget the joy I used to feel, and I have to try ot recreate it again for myself and my son.

It’s hard. I miss my mom